processing your emotions
We are all familiar with the pyramid of self that includes BODY, MIND and SOUL that dates back to Plato in ancient Greece 400BCE. It is almost cliché these days as its been used to sell us everything from water to leggings to vacations. But it is an important architecture for our inner landscape that we can use to guide ourselves out of the spirals that we invariably find ourselves in.
THOUGHTS are the language of the MIND spoken through the EGO, only in the past or future
EMOTIONS are the language of the SOUL felt through the INNER CHILD, flow like a river until we get in their way
SENSATIONS are the language of the BODY sensed through the NERVOUS SYSTEM, always in the now
When one or more part of this triad becomes disconnected, the others need to work overtime. Think of it like when one of your car blinkers stops working. The other one starts to tick really fast like its getting ready for take off.
When we are disconnected from our emotions, our mind can take off spiraling somewhere unhelpful and/or our body sends signals of discomfort that may seem ‘out of the blue’.
Reconnecting body, mind and soul through each of their respective languages can bring us BACK INTO THE PRESENT where you have the power to be with what is, know what is happening, why it is happening and how to work your way through it.
what do we do with our emotions?
We can do four things with our emotions;
We can EXPRESS them (whether that is in a healthy or unhealthy manner)
We can ESCAPE from our emotions… this is where distraction, addiction, denial and more come in.
We can SUPPRESS them. We do this consciously when we deem them unsuitable or uncomfortable.
We can REPRESS them. After suppressing emotions for a long time we shortcut the program and we suppress them unaconsciously, we don’t even consciously realize that we are feeling the emotion.
What is your habit? Until we learn to be present with our emotions, we will always be letting them run us. There is no such thing as an unemotional person. There is only
The person who is able to feel and process through emotions and not be controlled by them, able to express them in a healthy way where the situation calls for it.
The person who is not able to feel and process through emotions and is controlled by their repression or unhealthy expression, unable to be with them or express them in a healthy way.
Why don’t I know how i feel?
After a lifetime spent running from our emotions (what we are trained to do) it can be difficult to actually pinpoint what is going on inside, what is it that we actually feel. We become out of touch with ourselves. When difficult emotions arise we categorize them as ‘anxiety’ or ‘depression’ or ‘I feel like shit and I don’t know why’. We also don’t experience much joy because we have such a narrow range of emotions that we are willing to experience… can’t go too low, can’t go too high - life becomes muted.
We don’t know why because we’ve spent years suppressing and avoiding. And you’re here because you realize that now.
The average emotion lasts 90 seconds… but we suppress it so that it stays in our system for 20 years. Instead of facing it straight on, we hold it within us simmering below the surface. Does that make any sense? Or is it time to try something different?
Time to get back in touch with yourself
OK, we are starting a process now. Sit upright or lay down flat, just any position where your body is at rest and you’re not pulling at some part of your body such as sitting all crunched up (like I know I am doing most of the time!).
We have THREE PIECES OF INFORMATION to track down in order to be present: the THOUGHT, the EMOTION, the SENSATION. We can start at any area whichever one is most relevant in the moment is the best place to start.
Getting ready to process through your inner world, start at any one of these three questions to ask yourself:
What thought am I thinking in this moment?
What sensations am I noticing in my body?
What emotion am I feeling in my heart center?
Thoughts
Thoughts are pretty straightforward. If lots of thoughts are whirling around, try to narrow down the thought that starts with an ‘I am…’ statement. Also ‘everything is…’ or ‘nothing is….’ are good starting points for honing in on that driving thought.
Sensations
We experience the world around us though our senses, sight, hearing, smell, touch etc. We experience our inner world though felt sensations in our body. Note WHERE in your body feels something, anything, a little different. It may initially feel like it is all over but see if you can localize it to one part of the body that it seems to be coming from.
These sensations can fall into one of three categories; EXPANSIVE, CONTRACTIVE, or NUMB.
Expansive can feel like opening, often perceived positive
Contractive can feel like closing, often perceived negative
Numb can mean that there is something underneath that needs time to make itself known.
Examples of Possible Sensations Include
Achy • Airy • Jumpy • Smooth • Electric • Knotted • Soft • Empty • Light • Solid
Tight • Bloated • Energized • Limp • Spacious • Blocked • Loose • Heavy • Breathless
Nauseous • Bright • Expanding • Numb • Still • Brittle • Open • Stretchy • Vibrating
Paralyzed • Burning • Flushed • Pounding • Buzzing • Fluttery • Pressure • Stuck
Cold • Hot • Warm • Frantic • Prickly • Suffocating • Clammy • Sweaty • Closed
Tender • Full • Pulsing • Tense • Congested • Fuzzy • Constricted • Throbbing
Content • Quivering • Tickly • Contracted • Hard • Radiating • Raw • Tiredness
Cramping • Trembling • Curious • Intense • Twitchy • Dark • Itchy • Shaky • Dense
Jagged • Sharp • Tingling • Dizzy • Shivery • Weak • Dull • Jittery • Shudder • Wobbly
Emotions
After a long time; years decades… of ignoring and repressing our emotions, it becomes difficult to ‘switch on’ that ability again. We have lost literacy in this area and we need to relearn and remember. The Emotion Wheel is a great tool to help us identify and understand what emotion is truly happening below the surface. When you’re feeling bad or down and its hard to pinpoint what you’re feeling is the perfect time to pull it out.
Using the Emotion Wheel:
Find a quiet place to sit alone and in stillness. Pull up the emotion wheel (below). I recommend saving a screenshot to your camera on your phone.
Go to the center circle and identify which of the main primary emotions that you’re feeling most. You know within you which one resonates the most. If you say it out loud ‘I feel bad’… ‘I feel fearful’ … ‘I feel surprised’ and so on, within your body one will resonate as most true. Sometimes you will feel a few different ones but identify which you feel the strongest.
From there move into the middle layer (lighter in color here) with the one that resonates the most, again saying each one out loud until you identify which one you feel the most. Don’t overthink it if you’re feeling a few of them, you can come back after and work through all of the emotions, just pick the strongest one for now.
Then follow the circle outwards again towards the outer circle and again, which one resonates the most.
Now you’ve identified the emotion that you’re feeling.
A word on the emotion wheel; at the start it is really good to use it regularly to build up your awareness of what different emotions feel like in your body. After a while of using it you’ll eventually be able to identify your emotions with more fluidity recognizing ‘ah that’s my old _____ wound coming up again’…. yeah some wounds keep coming back around asking to be processed and released every time because you’ve spent years experiencing it…. I know, if only we could clear it away in one day…. oh I know I wish that too… just keep clearing layer by layer, bite by bite!
putting it all together
Now you’ve identified 1) the thought, 2) the emotion and 3). the sensation and where it is located in your body - you can access the full story and process it through.
Ask yourself: what is the story here?
Where did this come from? When did this start? Why I am feeling this way?
Here’s an example of what this might look like as you process it through: “I have a weight on my shoulders that feels heavy and pressurized, it looks like two red bricks, one on each shoulder. It is coming from feeling sad/lonely/abandoned because my friend made plans without me at the weekend. The story I am telling myself is that she has abandoned me just like my family always abandoned me because I am different to them…. but now that I acknowledge this; I realize that she thought I was out of town and that is actually why she didn’t invite me and although this triggered my old abandonment wound, I know she didn’t mean to do this and I don’t need to bring it up or assert a boundary with her, I just need to accept that I felt abandoned and allow it to leave”
Emotions are messengers, sometimes they have an important message requiring you to take action or change a circumstance or have a conversation or create/reinforce a boundary. Then sometimes they’re just messengers that you’re feeling that emotion, like ‘hey i’m sad about this’ and you’re human and you have emotions and thats ok. Emotions just need to be felt and they will be on their way, like water flowing in a river. All emotions are valid but not all emotions are true. Acknowledge it even if you would prefer not to, that’s how you let it go and don’t hold it inside forever like a poison. For example in the grieving process after someone passes, we may feel angry at them feeling abandoned, it doesn’t make logical sense but the emotion within you is real. Honor whatever you’re feeling and then let it go.
We can let all emotions go in any moment, however if there is action to take, the emotion will keep coming back until you’ve dealt with the situation. This is the discernment part of the process; to release or to release with a plan for change. With big difficult hurts and traumas, we release little by little, slow but surely.
Processing through / releasing the emotion
Close your eyes if you’re somewhere that feels safe and appropriate to do so. This helps to eliminate outer distractions. You may like to move your hands to the location where you’re feeling the sensations or just bring your loving awareness there. Particularly if you are a visual person, imagine what it might look like in your minds eye e.g, a knot in your stomach, a band around your chest, a rock in your heart, a weight on your shoulders, a hand on your throat; there’s no wrong way, just whatever comes to you.
Acknowledge the emotion: Sending love to the area, you can say out loud or internally ‘This is [emotion]. This is what [emotion] feels like in my body. It is ok /safe for me to let this go’
Notice it starting to leave with just this awareness. There are three things we can use to move energy;
Awareness; channel your awareness and energy to the area, helping it along with breath, as you exhale feel the emotion leave the body.
Sound; as you exhale sigh and let out whatever sounds want to come. These sounds create vibrations through your body loosening up energy.
Movement; shake, shudder, gyrate, kick, push, punch… any movement that seem natural to the body to help the energy out.
Tapping; if you’re familiar with EFT tapping that is a great practice to pull out here too.
4. Keep moving the energy along patiently until you can see all or most of it gone. If you’ve used the visualization, you can see that where it was it has gone. Breath through your body bringing healthy loving bright light energy into that place.
You’ve just processed through that emotion and survived!
Further Reading:
Brene Brown ‘Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience’ Random House Publishing 2021
Karla McLaren ‘The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You: Revised and Updated’ Sounds True Publishing 2010-2023